I Am A Very Angry Person

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For people who know me, this may come off as a shocker. Most of the time, people would see me as a docile, reserved, or simply calm; at times, I would be cheerful and boisterous; while there are instances when I can be sharp and droll. Nobody would ever think me to be the type who would fly off the handle or go berserk. But there have been a handful of moments when I became slightly frustrated and eventually outright angry. Since then, I have not had any episodes of violent outbursts or fits of rage or even snapping at other people because I try to control myself and suppress my anger.

Something I have realized, however, is that my suppression of the emotion of anger can become harmful because the emotion just gets bottled up inside and when it gets filled up, it needs to be released otherwise, I would implode or have a meltdown. My fear was that I could hurt someone in my anger which is why I suppressed it because I also knew the destructive capacity of the intense emotion but I had not considered the effects that it could have on me.

Of course, we all go through situations which just irk us. Some people have more patience than others and based on the degree of control I was able to exercise on my emotions, I think I have a bit more patience than average. However, observing how my parents handle their emotions, I can see why I'm in a conflicting position. My mother is more vocal and expressive about her emotions and she always reminds us that she can have a temper while my father may be thought of as being more patient but he can also have random bouts of frustration, letting off his anger bit by bit, on the smallest of things or on trivial matters. One can say that my mother is more straightforward while my father is more subtle. So where does that leave me?

Well, I have never gone all out hulk on someone but since I have been suppressing anger, it manifests itself internally through confusion or self-pity or self-deprecation. My solution has always been to redirect the intense feeling you get from anger or frustration whether it be on someone, some event, or the world in general, and use it for something more positive or less destructive. I am naturally a competitive person though I sometimes do not want to admit it or I also try to avoid letting it out because I can be quite aggressive, so one outlet I have found is playing board games or video games where you get to compete against other people and express your frustration openly when you lose but in a fun or playful way, and not to the extent that it becomes personal.

Another thing that I use to express intense emotions is writing and music. Sometimes crying is also one way to let out my frustration on myself, on the world, and on my circumstances. There is nothing wrong with being honest about the emotions that you are going through, there is no need to deny them or to change them, as long as we do not dwell or wallow in them, and move on after we process them. They are a part of life and no matter how much we try to suppress them, they will manifest in other ways which can be more destructive.

Although there are constructive ways on releasing intense emotions like anger or grief. For others, it could be doing martial arts or smashing up ceramic pottery in the garage. Or it could be listening to rock music and flailing around in the bedroom. I have a friend who likes to scream all the bottled emotions out. Whatever you think would liberate you from the burden of these intense emotions, you should go do it as long as it does not involve any crime. It all depends on what one finds soothing or comforting, or something that you think will help you unleash what has been building up inside. Then afterward, we can all go back to the world and deal with what life throws at us. The nice thing about going through all of these is that you find yourself growing and getting stronger because you learn more about yourself, you're aware of what triggers you, so you can come up with a way to respond so that you would not experience a total breakdown.

So yes, I am a very angry person, and it's human to go through such emotions, to have frustrations because things are not how you want them to be or how you think they should be, but you do something about it, you change your perspective on life, you let go of your control on things you cannot control, and you try to use those emotions to fuel and motivate you to keep moving forward and change one thing at a time.