Reckoning 2022, Looking Forward to 2023

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Hi! It's been about ten months since I last posted on my personal blog, and that's simply because I haven't found the time to self-reflect. Over the past year, I've encountered crossroads and important junctures in my life where I've had to make several decisions that made a significant impact on me. To be honest, I'm just glad that I made it through 2022, alive and breathing still. Not unscathed, but hopefully, a bit wiser and more human(e). It was a tumultuous year, not just for me I bet, but for many people. But, it's the first time in which I've had to stand on my own two feet without having the assurance that, if I fell, somebody would catch me. Being away from family magnified the reality of having to take responsibility for myself, and the decisions I had to make. It really taught me to buckle up and prepare myself for a very bumpy road ahead, facing the unknown, and challenging myself to leave the confines of my personal bubble.

I have always said that I'm happy whether or not I have people surrounding me. That is to say, my happiness is not dependent on external factors. I find contentment whether I'm by myself, or with others. Notwithstanding, my personal preference is generally my personal solitude. But, that is beside the point, as last year more than ever, I came face to face with the daunting realization that I actually needed to look outside myself, and look toward others, especially when things look bleak, and you don't know what to do.

I've always looked inward whenever I faced difficulties in life. To be frank, for most of the major problems that I faced, I've only had to tell my parents about them when things were already dire. I have developed the habit of keeping things to myself and enduring in silence, so I rarely talked about my problems. It didn't help that I usually didn't consider petty problems as problems to be shared with anyone, because I thought that that's such a bother to them. And I think this was also influenced by the fact that, in my family, we only talked about problems when they're already serious. We never talked about things we personally considered insignificant. Until recently, when I came to Korea, and my mom would occasionally tell me the goings-on back home. Anyway, perhaps, that mindset was acquired or developed instead of being innate, but whatever the origin was, I didn't like to talk about my silly little problems with other people. I guess, I still don't, but it depends on who I'm talking to.

As I mentioned, I prefer to keep things to myself, and I rarely asked others for any favors or help, unless it's to do with something that would be impossible for me to do alone. I've always felt uncomfortable asking help from people, simply because I didn't want to bother them or reach the point that I become dependent on them. I'd prefer being asked to help and helping rather than receiving help. I guess, you can say, that it's partly out of genuine concern and a sincere desire to be of help to others, but part of it might be rooted in the longing to feel needed by others and to find a sense of belonging.

It's odd, I know, for someone to not express their need for others, yet at the same time, have the urge to be needed by others. In that sense, you actually need others, right? It feels like being a walking paradox, building up this facade of independence, but subtly admitting the reality of your dependence on others. I can't exactly pinpoint the reason why I think or act this way, but one possible explanation is the fear of being vulnerable with others.

I spoke with someone about a year ago, and they told me features of my personality which I thought were spot-on descriptions of my tendencies when it comes to relational aspects of my life. She told me that I was predisposed to set up barriers, or very thick boundaries, with strangers, people outside my known circle. However, it didn't mean that I would be an antisocial prick in front of them. Rather, I mask my true, complete self, and only show bits and pieces to other people. She likened my personality to fire and explained it through the illustration of a campfire, which is usually a place where people gather round and enjoy spending time together. But, as with a campfire, people generally stay several feet away, because if you come close to it, you'll get burned.

That's quite true in my life. Though I'm introverted, I do have decent social etiquette, and depending on the context, I can adapt myself and socialize with others. When it comes to making friends with others, there's sort of like a "testing the waters" phase wherein I gauge the possibility of being friends with this person or that, sort of like an interpersonal compatibility test, if you will. However, the issue then is taking those friendships to the next level, a step further from just being casual acquaintances to being very close friends with someone. I have no idea why, but I guess I'm very particular with the groups of people I hang out with. And even within those groups, I would generally only find a very select few with whom I would share a deeper bond. Still, among that handful, I cannot say that there has been a person I have developed such a deep bond that you could consider us practically siblings, or best friends for life, or even kindred spirits.

For now, we're going to leave it at that, and stash it away for another day. In any case, I have been making efforts to change those parts of myself. I mean, I'm quite obstinate about certain things, and I prefer gradual change over something drastic happening over night. The only drastic change I have ever experienced in my life was my regeneration, which I consider an instantaneous event. All other changes are gradual in nature, at least, that's how I think about it. With regard to my social life, I'm taking it slowly, one step at a time. As they say, old habits die hard, and I've had that behavior set since I was a kid, so it's going to require some heavy lifting.

So, whatever the reason is, it might be worth to assess at a later time. For now, at least, it should be enough to take note that I generally do things on my own, unless extenuating circumstances warrant outside help. Which brings us to last year.

I have been doing studies abroad in Korea for the past three years, and I was about to graduate in August of last year. I had to make a decision: whether to go back home to the Philippines, or stay in Korea, each with its own pros and cons. However, seeing that I had the privilege of acquiring a residence visa in Korea by the mere fact of graduating from a Korean university, I decided to take that leap. About six months before I graduated, I had already made the decision, not 100%, but at the very least, a firm one, in that, excluding any unforeseen situation, I would apply for the visa, and God willing, I would stay in Korea for however long the visa duration would be.

At that point, I knew that I needed to have enough funds to survive while I was looking for a job after graduation. So, slightly against my original plan, I decided to look for part-time jobs. It was a struggle, to say the least, because there weren't a lot of job openings for international students, especially if you didn't have at least a conversational level in Korean, which at that point, I didn't. I tried a part-time job which my roommate had been doing for six months, but after two days, I decided not to continue. More on that story in another post, perhaps.

Suffice to say, almost every attempt I had at looking for a somewhat decent part-time job was a bust, except for two. One was at a bank, about an hour to an hour and a half away from school, and the other, about a 30-minute commute. Given those conditions, I decided to go for the latter, which meant that I would be taking classes from Mondays to Thursdays, then work on the weekends, from Fridays to Sundays. It wasn't the ideal setup for me, considering I wanted to go to church but couldn't due to my part-time job. Nevertheless, I endured that setup for about two months.

Once I finished all my classes midway through June, I had the opportunity to work in a somewhat full-time capacity at the office, which meant that my schedule would be on weekdays, with my weekends free. So, I grabbed that opportunity as well. That went on until the time when I had to change my visa from a student visa to a residence visa. There were so many things that stressed me during that time, but the long and short of it was that I decided to resign from my job at that time, in order for me to get my visa. Having done that, I applied for the visa, and by God's grace, my application was approved without a hitch. It really was quite nerve-racking, since I heard so many horror stories about visa applications that I expected the unexpected. Thankfully, none of that happened, and I was able to get my new ID card two weeks later.

Remember, at that point, I had already resigned from my job which meant that I was unemployed. I also needed to leave my school dormitory since I was no longer a student there, but I was able to move out even before any of that happened. The next task at hand, then, was to find a job. But, I wasn't in such a hurry yet, since my parents had planned to visit Korea in October of last year. While they were here, I helped them go around and tour the various sights in Seoul and Busan. After they left, I had started to take the job hunt very seriously, because I didn't have the luxury of paying bills out of my savings anymore, since my savings had dwindled to a dangerously low point.

By the second week of November, I had received a few calls for interviews. I grabbed onto the very first one I interviewed for because I thought that it fit the kind of job and environment I wanted to work in. It's been a little over two months, and I have learned a tremendous deal from working there, and so I am looking forward to seeing what lies ahead for me, the company I work at, our church here in Korea, and so many more.

A few things I learned is that I needed to find a really good community, and when I moved out from my school dormitory to where I'm staying at now, I think I found it. The only thing I considered when I moved into where I'm living now is that it was near our pastor's place as well as some other members of the church. Now, I think it was God's work of grace in my life that led me here, and even to my job. And obviously, I learned to depend on Christ more during those moments when things were very uncertain, not worrying too much, and simply living within my means. So, in that sense, I learned a little bit more about the meaning of contentment, both in a spiritual sense and in a material sense as well. And I also think that it is within the communities I find myself in - not just at church or my neighborhood, but also in other communities, like student or alumni organizations - that I learned to be more myself, warts and all, when I am immersed in them.

So here's to 2023 and what lies ahead.