"Do You Have a Girlfriend? No, Why Not?": My Honest Response

I have been asked this question far too many times than I could count. Almost as much as a woman in her 30s being asked by friends and family, "Why aren't you married yet?". Or, a newlywed couple during the first couple of years in their marriage being asked, "When are you going to have kids?", particularly by aging parents who have become impatient, and are wondering when they will get to have a few bundles of joy bouncing on their lap.

To be honest, I have been trying to come up with the best way to articulate my position without causing any misunderstandings. My usual response used to be "I'm not yet ready" or "I haven't found anyone yet". But that doesn't exactly encapsulate everything that's going through my head when it comes to this matter. You see, I have thought about romance, relationships, marriage, and other related subjects for over 10 years now. And the answers to those questions are rarely straightforward. So, I cannot boil down my thoughts and my stance into simple responses, although I have tried giving half-assed explanations to people, just to avoid getting into deeper, murkier waters.

But the reality is, I'm still single despite being at the appropriate age to enter romantic relationships or at least to get to know people with the view of a long-term relationship, which begs the question why for some, not least those closest to me. I will try to answer the question as clearly and comprehensively as I can, while providing insights and perhaps, some useful advice to those who are reading this, and might find themselves in a similar position in the future or are currently in the same position as I am.

First, I think it's best to start with the inner workings of my mind and my heart, as well as my personal background, since these are pertinent in understanding my point of view. I'm an only child to two working parents. I would say I had a normal upbringing, save for my first couple years of puberty which were influenced by one particular turning point that made a severe impact on my adolescent years. However, more on that later. For now, I would like to focus on how I was raised.

Since I was an only child, my parents doted on me, but not to the extent of being spoiled. For all intents and purposes, they raised me not to feel entitled or view myself as having the right to have anything I want whenever I wanted them. In fact, I was raised with firmness and restraint, which as a child, was frustrating at times. It's only natural to feel frustrated when something is being withheld from you, but it taught me one important lesson: in life, if you want something, then you have to work for it. Life is a series of give-and-take interactions. Therefore, you cannot take more than you are willing to give. It's just unfair, and that sense of morality and justice was deeply ingrained in me. Moreover, this way of living forced me to see the value of things and to learn to prioritize which are more important.

But I never forgot about the frustration I felt. And that propelled me to keep moving forward, steeling myself with enough determination and resolve to endure even the most rigorous emotional and mental struggles in life, all for the goal of achieving my desires. It produced perseverance and patience, enough for me to stay content no matter what situation I may find myself in life. So, in life, you can't always have what you want. Not right away, at least. There is a time and place for everything, and learning to accept that things won't always go the way you expect is the first step toward having a life free from worries and anxieties.

This is all to say that I am quite earnest when I say that I am content with being single. Whether or not I should find a life partner is not something within my sphere of control. It is all right to desire it and pray for it, but one should not chase after romance as if it were the ultimate goal in life. However, I do admit that God designed human beings to find great joy and fulfillment in relationships, though that's not only limited to married life. I believe God provides us with the joys of developing meaningful relationships with friends, family, and communities. But I also believe that God has given married couples a special kind of blessing that can only be consummated within that experience.

Having said that, I have not resigned myself to a life of singlehood. If it's God's will, then so shall it be. I am merely keeping my mind open to what God has in store. Of course, I do desire to find a life partner, get married, have kids, and establish a life together with the good of posterity in mind. But, it's not an immediate priority. And the reasons can be found in other aspects of my life.

As I mentioned before, I was an only child. But for most of my childhood, I wasn't necessarily alone. We lived near our relatives, so I always had either my aunts or my cousins around to be with me when I'm at home and my parents are at work. This became the environment in which I was socialized. I was a shy kid for as long as I can remember. I didn't like to be the center of attention. I hated showing off to people, or being in front of people because I felt uncomfortable knowing that they were judging me. That's why I refrained from participating at birthday parties or going to them at all. I hated it when people asked me to show my "talent". I hated going to big gatherings altogether, and so I would begrudgingly go with my parents when they brought me with them.

I guess I didn't care much for the approval of a lot of people, much less the people I don't even know. But I was sensitive to those things, of how people would see me. It's partly due to how my parents raised me to get along with people or, from my perspective at the time, to keep up appearances so that people wouldn't think I was uncouth or ill-mannered. Now that I'm older, I understand their concerns but at the same time, I have been able to temper such concerns with a tinge of rationality so that I would know when my actions are justified or not. That is, I am now able to reason, and think for myself without having to worry about what other people think. When before, as a child, my value, worth, and standard by which I determine how to feel or think about my actions as being right or wrong were only my parents' perspectives, I now use God's word to make value judgments apart from what other people whom I respect, think.

Generally, I was a sheltered kid. I didn't grow up in a fancy neighborhood, and I think that's one of the reasons why my parents, my mom in particular, wanted me to have a more refined upbringing, and taught me some of the finer things in life, and how to act in a manner fitting for such things. But I never thought them to be haughty for doing so. After all, they only wanted what was best for me, for our family. So, my mom taught me how to behave accordingly, and perhaps that influenced my personality. It felt awkward to me, however, having to think about what is the right thing to do in each and every situation. So, my actions became more mechanical and unnatural.

Entering puberty and adolescence compounded the situation for me. Things became even more complicated. What nudged me over the edge was that one turning point in my life that I mentioned a while ago. I was in fifth grade, and our English teacher forced us to speak only in English all the time. For a ten-year-old, imagine how that sounded. To me, it was one of the biggest hurdles I had to overcome, because not only did it mean that I had to force myself to speak in a foreign language, but that also meant that I had to interact with other people in said language. The consequences were brutal in my mind. I couldn't imagine how much embarrassment I was going to face for that whole year, and that continued until sixth grade.

As someone who was already struggling to socialize with others normally, it made it millions of times more difficult. Think about it. I would be the only one among the neighborhood kids who would be speaking with an American accent as they spoke to me in the native Tagalog. They'd strike questioning looks at you, thinking you're a weirdo or delusional for speaking that way. Even my own peers at school ridiculed me for blindly following our teacher's orders. To me, I just had to do what I had to do. It was out of a sense of duty or responsibility that I did it. I wasn't comfortable at all. But through that, I developed nerves of steel and a very tough exterior. An acceptable trade-off, I think in hindsight.

With this, the few people in my social circle became fewer as it became impossible for them to communicate properly with me. So, I became distant from friends, cousins, and relatives. I believe it exasperated my anxiety and severely lowered my self-esteem. In high school, though, I began to recover and with the help of the new friends I made there, I started becoming human again.

What I'm trying to get with this is that I have a constant inner battle with my self-esteem. As a defense mechanism, I put up walls around me to protect me from people's harsh criticism. The trauma I experienced from way back when caused me to distance myself from people. In so doing, it makes it difficult for me to become vulnerable with anyone. Worse, it's difficult for me to define boundaries with others. Nevertheless, I'm learning to cope with it, and to rehabilitate myself. It's a process but it's going to take time until I'm able to normally socialize with other people. And since we're talking about dating and romantic relationships here, socializing and communication are some of the key components of that human experience.

It's not like I'm not making any effort toward building relationships with others. But there are barriers that I have to constantly contend with on the road toward building those relationships. And I'm taking it one step at a time, slowly but surely, because I want to do things right. Also, I'm just taking extra care so that I wouldn't end up hurt again, and conversely, so that I won't end up hurting others either. If I were to look for a partner in life, then I would prefer someone who would understand my situation as much as I will try to understand theirs. It's been a long road getting to where I'm at

Now, in terms of dating, romantic relationships, and marriage, I stand by my principle that I will not get married until I have either a stable job or a booming business, because I want to be able to provide for my family. Of course, for many people nowadays, that's a given but since I'm being constantly pestered about it, even though I haven't even reached that level yet, I will have to make things a lot clearer. One of the reasons why my parents fought when I was younger was because of finances. That affected me, subconsciously I guess. I don't want my future children to witness their parents fighting. I want them to grow in a loving home, well-provided for and where they have freedom to pursue their dreams. I want to teach them and pass on to them everything I know.

I'm not saying my parents didn't provide that for me. But I think I am the way I am today because the things that I witnessed and experienced from them when I was younger, had influenced me. They stayed with me, much like what Proverbs 22:6 says. To paraphrase that verse, I think it means that whatever children take from their parents, they will bring with them into adulthood. So, it's not just the things that parents directly teach their children, but it's also what they show them or make them feel. And knowing that, I don't want to make the same mistakes I made or my parents made, for the sake of my children in the future.

Hopefully, whoever reads this picks something up from it. Or, at the very least, I was able to bring my point across, and clarify my position as regards matters of romance. I'm not closing myself to it, but there are reasons why I'm holding it off. And I haven't even delved into things I'm looking for in the person I want to marry or the experiences that have shaped my understanding of romance and love. Those will probably just be kept to myself.