Breakups

Photo by Raj Eiamworakul on Unsplash

Since I have never been in a relationship before, I don’t really know anything about breakups but based on observations and stories by others, they give me an idea that it’s usually depressing. Not all breakups are though, some people part ways on good terms. I would like to explore the idea in this article and it will be focused mainly on romantic relationships. However, I think separation in general is similar and probably only differs on the intensity of the bond between the people involved. On this note, I would also like to write an article about separation anxiety later.

I am going to try to empathize with people who have been on both sides of a breakup, that is, those who initiated the breakup and those who received the breakup for lack of a better term.

First, those who broke up the relationship. I understand that there are various reasons that somebody would have to break up with the person they were in a relationship. Some of them are valid while others, not so. I will always go back to what I have been talking about in my past articles and that is, never enter a romantic relationship with someone unless you are serious about the commitment.

If you have feelings for someone, maybe before you jump the gun and date that person, try to assess those feelings whether they’re just an infatuation or if you seriously want to pursue this person. Because in the end, if you’re not serious about it, then you’re just playing games with them. And they will get hurt. Also, don’t tell me that you’ll eventually fall in love with that person. That’s not a guaranteed outcome. Weigh your emotions with reason, balance it out and imagine your life with this person five or ten years later, then tell me if you still want to be with them.

You may tell me, “Well, how can I imagine my life with this person if I don’t know anything about them? Isn’t that why I should date this person?” Not necessarily. I’ve always advocated the “friends before lovers” progression of a relationship because when you’re friends, you still get to know each other without committing your heart to the other person.

Again, you may ask, “Wouldn’t that make our friendship awkward if we then start dating?” No. I’m very sensitive to awkward situations but I don’t see anything awkward if you start dating your best friend. Think about it, you guys already know each other on some level. You have an idea of each other’s values, habits, mannerisms, quirks, and even the ugly and unappealing parts. But these don’t hinder you from being friends or spending time with each other. If you’re already compatible with each other and you have some chemistry going on between you two, then you are already in a position to grow and develop your relationship into something beyond the level of friendship. If you are both okay with that and the feelings are mutual, why not? It’s all the better since there’s no need to be walking on egg shells at the start of the relationship.

“But what if it ends up in a breakup?” You were friends before and I don’t think there’s any reason not to be after the breakup. If you tell me that it’s because you had a fight, unless it’s because of cheating which should be grounds for a breakup, then you should be able to find a way to sort out the issue. It would be hard to imagine for best friends not to have had at least one fight throughout their relationship. And I think that’s why stories with characters who fall in love with each other but started as enemies is an interesting way of highlighting that aspect of relationships. I was reading this manga Wotakoi in which there are two characters in a relationship who always fight. In the notes section, there was an explanation about a Japanese proverb that says if two people fight, it means they are close. And I somewhat agree with that because it would be uncomfortable to engage in a fight with a total stranger unless you’re drunk, or an accident occurred, or there was a crime and you acted in self-defense, or some other unfortunate circumstance.

It would be best if the breakup would be mutual but most of the time, it won’t. Even if you started out as friends then began dating and later on, broke up, it would still hurt. And you would need time to recover. Maybe before breaking up with the person, you should probably talk about the issue first rather than immediately acting on impulse. That’s why people say, “Take time to think about it first.” Perhaps you were just overwhelmed and your emotions are taking the driver seat. Or there could be circumstances in your life that you have no control over that would affect your relationship negatively and it is imperative to take a break or break it off.

For the one who is initiating the breakup, make it very clear why that is the case especially if it’s the guy who’s breaking up with the girl. Questions could begin popping up in a girl’s mind that would make her begin blaming herself for it. Whatever the reason is, you should always think about how the other person would think and respond. Think about their feelings and maybe reassess yours. Depending on the circumstances of the relationship, a breakup could be justified. Or maybe there’s no need to make the breakup permanent. In any case, think it over and when you’ve made decision, don’t be fickle about it and don’t flake on it.

For the one who is on the receiving end of a breakup, know that it’s usually not your fault unless you have been abusive and inconsiderate of your significant other. If you know that you really didn’t do anything to cause the relationship to end, then don’t blame yourself for it. There are various reasons why somebody would break up with you and try to listen and understand that especially if it’s something that they don’t have any control over. But if it’s because they lost interest or no longer want to pursue the relationship with you, then it is best that you break up with them.

This is a complex subject and I can’t really cover all bases with this article. I don’t want to see people break up or any kind of commitment not being fulfilled to the very end. But these things happen whether by the caprice of the parties involved or some unexpected occurrence that would make the relationship unbearable for both parties.

Of course, ideally we would want the relationship to work and to be with our significant other for life. I mean, relationships aren’t exempt from hardships rather it’s quite the opposite. When you’re in a relationship, you’ll have more problems to bear because you’re not just dealing with your own problems but also the problems of your partner. What makes it worth bearing those problems is that you are doing it with someone. So I think that’s the most important aspect of a relationship. Compatibility and chemistry are important but it all comes down to commitment. No matter what happens, will you be able to say that you will stay by your partner’s side throughout your lives?