To Date or Not to Date?

Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash

That is the question. From my perspective, dating is when two people go out together with the intention of getting to know each other, seeing whether they are fit for each other, and developing their feelings more by spending time with each other.

Wikipedia defines it as “a stage of romantic relationships in humans whereby two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in an intimate relationship or marriage... [it] refers to two people exploring whether they are romantically or sexually compatible by participating in dates with the other.”

As a 21-year-old single guy who has no dating experience and has never been in a romantic relationship, I am wary of dating because it’s foreign to me. It’s not that I’m scared of getting myself out there, meeting people then opening myself up to them with the possibility of getting hurt. Rather I just don’t want to jump the gun so that I can experience what it feels to be with a girl.

I also have my own ideas of the kind of relationship that I would want to have and ideally, how it would happen. Although I don’t know exactly how it would happen, at the very least, I imagine the kind of journey that our relationship would take. I also hope for it to be different but I don’t know how different.

Thinking about it can actually make things difficult because the more you think about it, the less likely you would do something about it. Sure, I have standards and I look for certain things in the person who would be my significant other. I would want the relationship to develop naturally but at the same time, I don’t want to let myself be dragged into something without having any say in it neither do I want to let an opportunity pass without taking a chance.

I’m okay with waiting. But while I wait, I want to get to know much about as many people as I can, and from there, maybe I will be able to find somebody who could be the one with whom I would want to spend the rest of my life.

Some people think that if you just wait, you won’t be able to find someone but that’s if you passively stay where you are until somebody comes along. You don’t have to do that. You can go and actively meet others but that also doesn’t mean that you should get shacked up with every person that you feel attracted to. That’s the part of dating culture that I think is unnecessary.

Of course, others would disagree with me. Some people think that you should know whether you two have chemistry before you even get married. Many people would want to have experience before they tie the knot with someone. But that doesn’t guarantee that the relationship will be stable or decent. Then again, to each their own.

I believe dating is a necessary part of developing a romantic relationship because it allows you to know more about someone and perhaps explore the chemistry you have with the person. However, I also feel that people shouldn’t linger in that stage for long. It does feel nice to let your heart aflutter and spend special moments with your SO.

But for me, I do not want to date someone, not right now. I still enjoy being single and exploring the world which will be different when you’re with someone. I want to learn more and experience things by myself first as a way of preparing for the time when I can journey with someone. Until that time comes, I’m happy to just hang out with friends and fly solo. And I believe, there’s nothing wrong with that.

I guess there’s one advantage to holding back from dating. Unless you are certain that you will stick with the person you choose for the rest of your life and that you will be committed to that person, then the outcome of dating someone will always be uncertain.

You might say, that is the whole point of dating someone. But hear me out. You date someone because you feel attracted them or because you feel comfortable around them, or whatever reason you might have. Along the way, there are always three possibilities: you will be mutually committed to each other, one will fall for the other while the other won’t, or you will mutually decide to just stay friends. Two of those possibilities do no damage, but it’s the one that does that cause people to give up.

This is just how I think about these things. If you start out as friends without investing any emotional attachments and go dating when you know more about each other, then the risk of hurting someone would be significantly reduced. And if in the friendship stage, one starts to have feelings for the other, then take a chance and confess them. It’s better to get hurt early on when not much is on the line than to get hurt and have your whole life fall apart.

So that’s why I don’t want to go dating yet. I’m okay with being open and vulnerable with someone and I know the risks involved. But we each have our own pace and we each have our own values. This is just how I see things.