Why Define the Relationship?

Photo by Nicholas Gercken on Unsplash

I don’t get why people who are together would avoid putting labels on their relationship. What is so abhorrent with defining the relationship that you have with that person? I think it makes things a lot clearer for both parties to know where they are at and how they are going to move forward from that point.

However, let’s take the other side for a moment. Why would I not want to be called somebody’s boyfriend or some other label that would define what kind of relationship I have with that person?

Perhaps, the main reason would be the uncertainty or rather, the mindset of “I don’t really want to mess with the good thing that we have going so it would be best to stay where we are right now”. But sooner or later, it will come up while casually talking and you would be forced to face the music. Right then, both of you need to make a decision and that would set the stage for what’s going to happen next.

People may see it as a big commitment and they may not be ready for something like that. Maybe they aren’t sure whether the person they are with now will still be the person they want to be with 10 years or even 50 years from now. And that could be scary. It’s a valid concern indeed but I think it would be fair to both parties if these concerns were made clear and if they are on the same page with the terms of their relationship.

Freedom and independence are another reason why people refuse to define the relationship that they have. To some, it implies a kind of possession even though two people in a relationship should not be restricted with what they want to do with their lives despite being with someone. It doesn’t mean that when I’m someone’s boyfriend that I would have to devote all of my time, energy, and resources to that person and vice versa.

We still have our individual lives and we’re not married so there is no co-dependence or co-ownership involved yet. We are free to do whatever we want and I believe that one’s partner should respect that. Guys however, have the tendency to be territorial and possessive which makes girls wary of being committed especially after they see both the good and bad sides of the person.

Exclusivity may be a problem for some. Maybe they don’t really want to put labels because they want to see other people. Of course, that’s a valid point especially if you’re not really sure what type of person you want to be with in a relationship. And I guess that has some pitfalls to it. If you decide to go out with a person in pursuit of a romantic relationship, this usually implies exclusivity unless expressly stated. If you’re not sure about the person yet, then I guess you shouldn’t move forward to the next step of the relationship beyond friendship because that would just complicate things later.

So why not just be friends with a lot of people first then only later, when you feel that you are compatible and have chemistry with one of your friends do you pursue a romantic relationship with them. There’s nothing wrong with waiting while you gather as much information as you can. It’s possible to spend as much time with someone and get to know them without really being in a romantic relationship with them.

Now, my friend and I have been talking about this recently and I told her it’s best to define the relationship especially if you’re pursuing a romantic one with someone. It just makes things clearer for both parties and at least you can say that you both know what you were getting yourselves into and no one can blame anyone else later when things go south. It lessens the chances of a very bad breakup as well.

I do, however, consider that some people are more inclined to take risks without fearing the possible consequences of their actions because they don’t want to pass up the opportunity or because they strongly feel about something and they are more likely to stick with it to the end. Because of that, the friendship-courtship route may not be ideal for them, it may not work for them. Still though, it would be best for intentions to be made clear.

I think I have sparsely explained why I think relationships should be defined. It is helpful to avoid confusion and frustration for those involved. It also gives both parties reassurance about what they’re getting themselves into. I mean, there really is nothing wrong about it. If people refuse to do so, they are probably just making excuses or they are only looking out for their interests.

These are just my thoughts. There would be people reading this who have a different opinion about the subject and I would gladly listen to those points, if you comment them below.