The Dynamics of Personalities in Relationships

A couple of months ago, some of my friends attempted to discover the pattern of my infatuations in order to develop a profile of the kind of people I am attracted to, much to my chagrin. But the idea that there is a certain innate set of characteristics that I find captivating intrigued me, moreover, the fact that there would only be one person who would "match" or complement you such that you somewhat metaphorically become "one complete person," supporting one's flaws with the strengths of the other and merging your experiences and personalities to live in harmony. However, at the time I didn't think much of it.

Quite recently, in my management class, the concept of how our personalities shape the way we react and interact with people of similar or different dispositions unearthed my interest and reflections on the subject which sparked a connection, a sort of epiphany, one that I have not realized before, perhaps because I thought it seemed so intuitive that the basis for this consciousness may just be unfounded speculation or the random musings of my mind, seeing a connection where there isn't.

But now, I think that it was intuitive because it is a concept embedded in the design of human relationships which God had established when He created everything, not just the tangible facets of creation but also the abstract, the presuppositions that underlie the foundations of the manifested "rules" or mechanisms that govern the universe, specifically the social order marked in relationships, and not simply the romantic but all sorts, in all circumstances.

The concept I am referring to is complementarianism but in its purest sense, this concept refers to the roles of man and woman in certain contexts such as marriage and family life, but I would like to expand the discourse or at the very least, define it from a different perspective that encapsulates our interactions with different people in different milieus in society which entails human synergies. I would like to explore in this discussion the implications when personalities mingle with one another, why there are certain personalities we find attractive with regard to our own, why one personality might find it easier to cooperate with a particular one, and how all of these interconnections affect the way we view and feel about others.

Opposites attract?

Going back to the time when my friends tried to pry open my cloistered emotions, which I thought was a keen exploitation of my foible of eventually capitulating to one's requests and insistence to talk about my life, a vanity which I continue to struggle and deal with either by taking more interest in others or simply minding my own business, we arrived at the divulging of my innermost secrets. Then they turned to the analysis of my "attraction pattern" based on my historical anecdotes.

They came to the conclusion that I was attracted to people who were opposite of my personality and temperament. When they asked me why, I couldn't really get a grasp of the inner workings of my mind and heart to understand the way I perceive and find certain qualities appealing. But then, you would wonder it to be quite ironic that one would find another who's opposite to the way they think and feel to be attractive because it would be easier to get along and be compatible with someone who is similar to you and it would be more advantageous because you already know how the other thinks and feels.

But I believe this could be the crux of the whole dynamic since in the case of a romantic relationship, one of the goals is to grow in love with the other person as time progresses and being able to know how the other person acts makes the relationship predictable and to a certain extent, monotonous. Of course, I do not discount the fact that people of similar personalities and temperaments could fall in love and live a harmonious and happy relationship. And in this regard, I think that beyond personalities, quirks, mannerisms, and personal experiences, there's much more to be explored in each person so that they may grow in their love for one another.

What I endeavor to posit then is how a relationship that started out with conflict or differences in views, attitudes, or values could bud into a blossoming relationship and that the intensity of the initial encounter could have provided the impetus to propel the relationship to a status of a deep and lasting bond. This might also form the foundation of the strength of their relationship; as an old adage goes, opposites attract and we see how this works in the natural world such as the way magnets work. But still it would depend on the context, motivations, and the choices of individuals. Furthermore, two individuals may have differences in personalities but they could have similar tastes in art, music, or other interests which could have sparked their mutual affection initially. And of course, the way people handle conflict and differences may also come to play because it can either bring about amity or irreparable damage to the relationship.

Using the illustration of the magnets, I would try to elucidate what happens between people who have similar or different personalities. The two opposite poles of a magnet attract to one another which creates a strong bond and this could be further examined on the subatomic level where opposite charges attract according to the Law of Charges. Why it works this way, I cannot begin to fathom let alone explain. If we try to extend this to personalities, holding all things equal, we can conclude that two opposite personalities would attract and that it would be a strong bond as opposed to two like charges or personalities.

I think this would apply to romantic relationships more because of its nature. If we were to consider the work setting where there are formal structures and standard operating procedures in place, a level of order would be needed to accomplish the objective. This is probably the reason why in our management class, our professor grouped us based on our personalities because we know how each others' work preferences and we can look at a task with the same perspective so we can easily agree thus productivity would increase. But romantic relationships are more informal and free-flowing than the corporate world, there's no set of defined objectives or at the very least, there's really no rush to achieve whatever goal the relationship has, but I guess there are exceptions to this as well.

In general, the personality group that I belong in would have somewhat of a weak bond or weak interaction as opposed to the strength of my attraction to people who have an opposite personality from mine. I observed and realized after reflection that I feel more at ease with people who are opposite to my personality because it kind of fills a "void" to my realm of experience or in a slightly biblical sense, it complements my field of view or perspective. But I also cherish friendships with people who understand me because then I would feel that sense of belonging as opposed to the tension and adventure that emanate from my opposites.

So why then do I find myself more at ease or more attracted with people who are my opposite? If I use the biblical framework of complementarianism, it would be because they augment my experiences and weaknesses such that harmony and the design of human relationship may be achieved. If I look to the natural world and how electric forces operate, two opposite charges will attract or form a strong interaction while two like charges would form a weak interaction. But though this may be applicable to certain people, I would also think that the opposite or any combination in between could be applied with the same degree of intensity that it does with me because I recognize the uniqueness of each person and how different people deal with different circumstances given their own set of personalities, values, and contexts.

Personality as directive?

Having established that our personality is an important factor that would impact the way we interact with other people and how perhaps certain combinations of personalities could elicit positive, negative, or even neutral interactions with one another, should our personality be the compass that would guide us on how we deal with our situations or when one makes a mistake, should it be attributed to personality, is it a valid excuse? For instance, in a social interaction, is it proper to force your view upon other people and consider it justified because your personality compels it or because it's natural for you? Or say when somebody is visibly struggling from a heavy burden, should we simply avoid the issue because our personality dictates that to be our natural response?

From my personal experience, I know that I'm an introvert and based on the results of my MBTI, I am an ISTJ or a preserver. I like things to be in order, I like to use logic to make my decisions, and I have a strong affinity to details. Now, of course, these are not permanent, rather there are situations and times when some tendencies are more dominant over others. Our personalities are far complex to compartmentalize them but it's easier to understand them if we have an idea of what our type is based on our inclinations. Our personalities can change over time or even instantaneously and there are various factors that affect it. But having an idea of it would help us understand and accept them as part of our identity but not defining our whole identity.

Knowing who we are can help us not simply to align our actions and decisions given certain situations so that we would know the best course of action or whether we should acquiesce if we know that we're wrong or how to subtly assert our point without being overbearing, but also to view others with the same kind of grace and compassion since we know what the propensity of their personality would be and because we know that despite our own flaws, we would want to be treated in the same way, to be accepted warts and all.

So now we move from simply understanding strong and weak interactions and why we react and interact with certain people in particular ways onto resolving, at times, to go against our natural inclinations if we know that they are detrimental or hurtful. And this considers that though we have unique personalities, how we act cannot be justified by our ignorance of other people's personalities, and that we have to adjust and change our attitude and behavior because we are living with other people. Not to mention the fact that our actions and decisions have been distorted by our sinful nature, that's why the things that we think may be justified because that's how we were "naturally" created is a flawed mindset because the purpose for which we were created was not to do whatever we want, but that in whatever we do, God is glorified.

Thus we have to put our understanding of our personalities and how we deal with other people under the perspective of the truth of God's Word. Seeing that we are flawed creatures due to sin, I would think that this extends even to our personalities, not in the sense that certain personalities are sinful, but that the way we act with our personalities and values have been distorted by sin which is why we cannot use these to vindicate and acquit ourselves from wrong because then we would be no different from people who are predisposed to steal or even to kill who rationalize their actions by saying that it is part of who they are.

Therefore, there must be an external source of objectivity and truth from which we would base our actions to be right or wrong. This would also be where we would understand how our personalities should be formed such that it would align with its original purpose. And I believe it's so that we can see God's glory revealed and that we may partake of His glory with all that we are. Also, so that we may know the model from which life should be patterned given that we are broken human beings. And that would be Jesus Christ who has God's stamp of approval on Him and being Spirit-filled throughout His life, He is the one whom we should defer to when we need answers on how to deal our situations, our identities, our personalities, and every other aspect of our lives.

Having a grasp of all these concepts, I believe that the response that it should produce in us would be to recognize the greatness of God and the intricacy of His design and plan for human life and human interaction with one another and with Him. Understanding that our personalities come from God, therefore, God has a purpose for them which He has revealed to us through Jesus Christ and that there are ways in which we can use them to bring glory to God.