7 Reasons Why Parents Should Listen to Their Children

When I was young, I was taught to always listen to my parents if I wanted to live a good life and I believe that children being under the authority of their parents must obey their commands because they know what's best for them except for cases when parents are committing heinous acts of abuse, I believe that obedience to them would be essential for a fruitful and meaningful life.

But there comes a point when children would grow and be ushered into independence. They would start developing their own personalities and the world becomes their oyster to explore and ask questions about to discover the mysteries that lie beneath the surface of those they see and experience. And this is a critical point in their lives because whatever character, values, beliefs, worldviews, and ideologies they settle into would more or less be permanent. These are the foundations with which people base their actions and decisions in life. They are impregnable and can rarely be changed which is why I stress the importance of parents' involvement in their children's lives especially in this phase.

Based on my observations, this is also the point when children become shut off from selected clusters of people and they start to find a sense of belonging and community in certain cliques which have similarities to their values and beliefs. This transition is temporary but crucial in the development of one's identity, convictions, presuppositions about the world and everything around them, relationships, character, and values or morals.

Oftentimes, when parents neglect to inculcate and equip their children through proper guidance on how to deal with life in general and if they don't help them be tethered on the values they want to pass on to their children, their children become susceptible to external influences and become free agents or some sort of blank slate that can be easily swayed to believe one worldview and then abruptly shift to another which they think is more convincing or more aligned to the caprice of their desires and wants.

This is the reason why many parents today become perplexed with the outcome of their parenting, asking themselves where they went wrong when their children start joining various groups espousing radical behavior or become addicted to vices. They wonder at which point did their children begin to go awry and veer off to another path which is more destructive to them and those around them. Of course, I think that children need proper guidance from their early years but the most critical, in my opinion, would be their adolescent and young adult stages when children understand that they can exert influence upon their own decisions and that they have their own individual capacities.

I would like to present seven reasons why I believe parents should be cognizant of the development of their children and I believe that it's not just for the benefit of their children but also their own.

1. To satisfy the need to feel loved and be loved.One of the fundamental needs of a human being is to feel that they are worth something to someone, that their lives have significance, and that they belong, they have a place in this world. I believe that this is rooted from our being created in the image of God and since God is one in three Persons, He exists in a community in the Trinity. So, we have this longing to have communion with others, in the sense that we share our thoughts, feelings, and experiences intimately with them which are then reciprocated to show mutual respect, love, and acceptance in the community where they belong.

We want to feel that someone cares for us because no matter how independent we might think we are, we still need the warmth, affection, and solicitude that relationships provide especially that with our parents who brought us up and who know the intricacies of nurturing and watching their child grow up. Oftentimes, when these affections are not being met within the home, adolescents would search for it elsewhere, whether it be with friends, significant others, or various groups which they recognize as family with respect to the bonds that have been forged between their peers.

In my opinion, there is no issue with engaging in different social groups and finding a place where you fit in but if that group is where the young people receive and assimilate their values and beliefs from, it would become problematic since it won't be long before they become detached and alienated from the values and beliefs which they were taught unless they become involved with groups that have similar upbringing as they did.

On the other hand, when they are unable to integrate themselves within a group which they can call "family," there is a possibility that they assume a path toward the other extreme, isolation or social withdrawal. Though it may transform them to become more self-reliant, in the long run it becomes unhealthy because human life was never designed to be lived in a hermitage but in a thriving society. Though some choose to live as hermits, I think it's not maximizing the potential of one's life when there are numerous opportunities to impact the lives of others which can only happen when one lives interacts and gets involved in the lives of others.

Isolation can also produce feelings of depression and self-pity. Finding no company with others and having solitude as one's only solace can make that person apathetic not only of others but of himself. A person in isolation could come under fire from various psychological and spiritual attacks which further weakens his resolve and stamina thus making him vulnerable to lose his will to live. Constant communication and showing of affection toward an adolescent could help prevent these scenarios from taking place.

2. Sometimes, if not often, we feel misunderstood.This is symptomatic of the growing trend of a disconnect within the family often due to the lack of open communication on both sides and the failure of a parent to recognize and respond to the needs of a child based on the personality, attitude, identity, behavior, character, and values of the child. Since not all children talk about themselves or engage in deep conversations with their parents, there is no doubt why this is the case for a number of homes all over the world especially in an age of over-connectivity brought about by social media and various apps that distract people from building deep relationships.

As with feeling and being loved, adolescents would tend to look for a place of belonging where they can express themselves without feeling that they are being judged and where they are accepted for the totality of their characteristics, flaws and all. They strive to fit into a place where they can be themselves, thrive in a nurturing environment, and cultivate their passions and speak their minds as a means of an outlet where they can voice out their opinions and be who they are. They need a place where they can freely ask about issues that boggle them or ask for guidance on which direction they should take in their lives or in whatever decision they need to make.

Parents need to be attentive not just to what their children, especially the teens, are saying but more importantly with what is not being said because oftentimes, you have to read between the lines and discern the behavioral cues being signaled by their children. Not everything is said, most of the crucial bits of information are nonverbal and they can follow a pattern. If parents do not recognize the frustration laced in the voices of their children, they might soon be entrenched in an inescapable situation of having raised a prodigal. You have to identify the triggers for these behaviors because not all teen problems are simply about chores or school. From my observation, these are surface level reasons which have underlying unresolved issues.

My mother knows and feels when I have a problem most of the time (there were cases when she simply assumed I had a problem where in fact, I did not; there are simply certain ways I act that are not intentional but which I have been accustomed to). Whenever I do have a big burden, she would speak with me alone to confront the dilemma that I was going through and she did it with tact and composure. What I learned from those encounters was that she pierced through my walls by identifying first that I did have a problem and second identifying with me regarding my problems since she too faced the same naturally, since some parts of my personality came from her.

I think the main issue why teens feel misunderstood by their parents is that they don't realize that their parents are very much like them, that they do understand except nobody is willing to open up. If my mother had not told me that she went through the same struggles as I did, I might have felt resentful or that they don't even try to help me by just being there to listen. I might have told other people about my problems or I might have kept them to myself and I would have imploded. I believe most issues should be resolved inside the home first before others get to know about it because that is our first line of defense. The home should be the place where we get to be free to express ourselves and keep our sanity intact by maintaining our emotional and psychological stability through the support of family.

3. To talk about our problems with someone.In connection with the previous point, adolescents need to know that someone has their backs, that someone is there to be their moral support because no matter how strong our facade may be, on the inside, we are groping for help. And I am in the position that the first ones to know about the issues that teenagers or children face should be the parents.

There is a somewhat therapeutic effect when we can lay all our burdens on someone else or have an accountability partner who would ease the weight of our problems by acting as an emotional cushion. Sometimes we ask for counsel but oftentimes, we simply want someone to listen to us as we pour out the contents of our heart so that we can release all the emotions that are bottled up inside and go through the process of untangling all the twists and turns that have accumulated over time.

In the process of this conversation, one must also strike the right balance between catching all the blows and giving soothing words. Just as much as parents need to be good listeners, they also need to have the sensitivity to give good advice but not in a manner where they become elevated and out of reach but rather from a common ground. We would rather have someone who can simply relate with us than someone who would talk us down because it does not help our situation. In many instances, and not just with adolescents but with a lot of people, they would naturally know deep within what the answers are to their situation if not, immediately, they would realize it eventually. So the best person during those times is one who simply listens.

4. "Adulting" is a difficult process. We still need guidance as we explore the world but not in an excessively overbearing manner.Many young people have no idea what they really want yet. Many of us don't really know what awaits us in the real world. A lot of us don't know what it's like to pay your taxes or to get insurance or deal with government agencies to get the documents you need for various things. And that's when we turn to our parents for help because they know how those things work and we need someone to show us how they work but not in a way where we feel like we're being shoved into something then later on left to fend for ourselves.

We want our parents to be there but to act as if they're not but not in the sense that they would just leave us be. Here, let me give a new meaning to the invisible hand theory. Our parents should be the invisible hand or the Jiminy Cricket who would give us guidance every step of the way but not being too scrupulous and not being too nonchalant. Again, balance is a must in this department and it's a difficult one to attain but nevertheless, parents should try.

In my case, I learn better when my parents show me how things are done and then allow me to use my own resources to get it done. Mistakes can happen and it's part of the learning process, it would be better for parents to allow such things to happen but be supportive rather than degrading because it's our first time doing these things and they should know better because they had to go through these as well whether someone guided them through it or not, they should realize that it's much better if someone is there to catch us when we fall and to help us get back on our feet.

5. We have a lot of questions about ourselves and the world. We need answers grounded on values and beliefs.Moving toward the internal struggles that we face particularly with regard to our identities and the way our minds work or the way we feel and act, we have many questions about ourselves and since our parents know more about us, we want them to help us understand. We have insecurities about ourselves and we need someone to give us clarity on how to deal with these personal issues. We need someone who would be in our corner and fight with us the battles we have within ourselves.

Once we have made peace with our inner self, we also want to know about the world and what our parents' perspectives on many issues in society, in politics, in religion, in culture, and in all other milieus and paradigms that we will encounter as we tackle the world head on. As I said, values and beliefs are inculcated by the family whomever the child considers to be his and this is important because that will the set the tone for the rest of a person's life, with the exception of certain drastic events that might occur, from the time a child has fully formed his presuppositions of the world, that will no longer budge and will stick with him until his death.

Parents must ensure that they help build the foundation and framework with which their children would see the world and live by because if they are left to their own devices, children would be swooned by groups whose intentions may not be as forthcoming but rather would work under the pretense of some noble cause only to gain strength in their faction until such time when their true intentions would be revealed to be self-serving.

6. We are complex humans beings with different gifts, passions, and personalities.In order then for parents to help children reach their full potential, they must understand that we are as complex as, if not more than, any other thing in the universe. They are not dealing with guinea pigs or playthings whom they can experiment with, contort on all sides, throw off the wall, or set aside without having any consequence because we are leaving, breathing human beings who have a mind, heart, and soul and can perceive just as much with our five senses as they can, and can feel with as much intensity as they do.

Knowing the limits and the capabilities of children would enable parents to guide them in what path they would choose to take in the future. It all relies on the fact that though we are a product of our parents, we are not the continuation of their hopes and dreams because we have our own. We come from them, we are not them and so dealing with so varied, distinct, and unique creatures takes time and effort and a lot of patience. There is no need for parents to be perfect but they need to be empathetic.

Of course, I am not discounting the fact that the way our parents were raised would affect the way they raise us but that doesn't mean that the kind of parenting they experienced should always be proliferated. There is always the option to break the cycle of bad parenting and I believe it would be beneficial to the lineage and posterity of one's generation if the manner in which the home is conducted would be aligned toward the design of it in which needs are attended to and met, then I believe society can be changed.

7. Children are a gift from God and He has made parents accountable for their children.All of these culminate into one simple truth: that children are a gift from God, with all the joy and the hardship along with it and the complexity with which the raising of a child is to be done. Parents are ultimately accountable to God for how they raise their children and how their children turn out. I still reserve that there are exceptions but generally, parents are responsible for their children and since God had given instructions on the proper manner of parenting, there is no excuse.

Why then should parents listen to their children? Because God listens to His children as well and He raises them to become like the model for living with God's approval which is Jesus Christ. God has shown how He has been faithful and kind, a caring Father to all those who are His, and in the same light, how He has been fair and just especially in disciplining His children when they fall by the wayside or just simply disobey Him.

Yet God had never failed to show His love throughout all of these situations. During the time Jesus Christ lived on the earth, He showed us what the parent-child relationship looks like with how He and God the Father communed with one another. And I believe that that is where we should start, to go back to the basics and with the knowledge that our relationships are imperfect and we must allow grace throughout the whole process. It's a lifelong journey toward building a solid foundation within the family and I believe that if one generation would resolve to do right in God's eyes and follow the example He has shown, then one of the core issues that the world faces today would be solved.